COMPASSION FATIGUE

What is compassion fatigue? It is a secondary post traumatic stress disorder caused by exposure to the pain of others. When you are involved in animal welfare and rescue, it is hard to avoid the burn out. Someone always needs help, there is fires to put out constantly. During kitten season, my phone is blowing up all day, every day. It is impossible to set my phone down and walk away, when I know a life could be in my hands. This constant stress builds and builds, coupled with seeing the suffering caused by humans (let’s face it, it is all caused from not spaying and neutering pets) to these poor little souls, will definitely give you a fast track ticket to burn out and compassion fatigue.

My story…
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have any fosters in my home since I began fostering. Oh, I take that back. A couple of years ago I had emergency surgery, with complications. I had a litter of 6 kittens. Looking back, I should have reached out for help and had my kittens placed in another foster home, but I felt that was giving up on them, so I had my family care for them while I was bed ridden for 2 months. After they all got adopted, I knew I physically could not care for kittens, so I think I took one month off.
But I digress… other than my forced short hiatus, I haven’t had a break.

Kitten season 2018 is when I experienced compassion fatigue. I had decided to take on more challenging kittens, because I had been fostering for quite a while and felt I had the skill set to do so. I found a kitten in a high kill shelter in Los Angeles and drove from Las Vegas the very next day to rescue him, his brother and mama. He was paralyzed in his back end and by the time I got to him, he also picked up an upper respiratory infection. I had him for less than 24 hours and got him to my vet. He passed away in her care from the upper respiratory infection. His little body just wasn’t strong enough to fight it. That was a hard loss for me, I really wanted to help him. I just had to keep the mindset that is it wasn’t for sweet Ace, I would have never known about his mama and brother (who got adopted to WONDERFUL homes). I only had him for under a day, but that little guy made a big impact on me.

(Jack and Ace pictured above)

My foster room wasn’t even sanitized after his mama and brother were adopted when I got the 911 text about another paralyzed kitten. I was feeling the onset of compassion fatigue after the loss of Ace, but I pushed through those feelings and continued on. How could I say no? What kind of person would I be if I didn’t help this poor kitten?
Of course, that same day Grace and her siblings came into my care. Grace was an itty bitty baby. A fraction of the size of her siblings. My veterinarian was so kind to me and got us in right away. Grace had Manx Syndrome. She also couldn’t go potty on her own. She was so tiny and fragile. Grace needed her bladder expressed and she needed her feces basically pushed out of her daily. I was trying so hard to learn to express her bladder and help her poop, but I wasn’t quite getting it. So, I was at my veterinarian every single day so they could help me. I was there anywhere from 1- 2 1/2 hours every single day. The entire staff was so incredibly kind to me, but they also had their clients they needed to see, so they squeezed me in when they could. It was extremely stressful not being able to do it myself and have to cart Grace around every day. She would just look up at me with those cute little eyes and I would melt. I couldn’t not help her. So off we went every day.

(Grace pictured above)

We had to go out of town. My baby niece was turning 4 and I couldn’t miss her birthday. If I could have expressed Grace myself, I would have brought her along with us, but I had no choice other than leave her at my veterinarian’s office. Grace had developed a Urinary Tract Infection, so I believed the best place possible for her was at the vet.
The morning that I was scheduled to pick her up, I got the gut wrenching text from my vet telling me that Grace had passed the night before. Again, like Ace, her little body wasn’t strong enough to fight the infection.
I had a breakdown. Not only could I not believe I would never hold my sweet Grace again, but the guilt I had for leaving her, to die, was unbearable. Grace was special. I bonded with that baby girl so quickly, there was just something about her. Still, every time I see my vet and one of us brings her up, both of our eyes well up with tears. She was so loved by everyone.
I would cry constantly. I am actually crying this very second even telling her story. The pain of losing a precious life, that you were suppose to help, can make you feel pretty low. Even though the reality is her life on this earth was just meant to be very short, the guilt I feel as her caretaker for not saving her is pretty intense.
So, while I was dealing with all of these emotions, I still had her siblings to care for. I felt extremely overwhelmed and incapable of doing so, but I didn’t have the option of not caring for them. They were my responsibility.

(Grace pictured above)

Not long after Grace passed, her siblings developed a parasite. That threw me over the edge. I just wanted a break. I wanted to not have to deal with the stress.
My husband saw a glimpse of what I was going through, as did some of my friends who are involved in rescue, but no one really knew the depth of how crummy I was feeling.
Before Grace passed, I had made plans to visit a friend in New York. I think it was about a week after she passed that a friend and I went on a quick weekend girls trip. That trip saved me. My husband was home caring for the kittens and I was able to finally breathe and unplug. I laughed, cried, and let myself be surrounded by the love and understanding of my friends who have also grieved losses.
For me, I had to lean into the grief. I had to cry, until there weren’t any more tears. I had to get away and not have the responsibility of taking care of little ones when I so desperately needed to take care of myself.
When compassion fatigue hits, it hits like a train. You can feel exhaustion, frustration, guilt, irritability, overwhelming sadness, difficulty sleeping, and headaches.
You need to take care of the power house. People that give so much of themselves to help animals (or other people) are at a very high risk of burn out. Keep in mind the reason you got involved in the first place. To help. To have long lasting results, self care is number one.

If you are feeling like you are having some symptoms of compassion fatigue, I urge you to reach out. Talk to your family, friends, fellow rescuers, even seeking the help of a licensed therapist. 

If you would like more information and rescources on compassion fatigue, please visit http://www.compassionfatigue.org/